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Dear Santa Claus,
I know you haven’t heard from me in a long, long time. I mean really, I am 45 years old now and most kids my age have dropped off your radar a long time ago but just in case you are still listening, I have a few items I would like to put on my Christmas list in the hopes that you might have kept me in the system somewhere. I heard that you had upgraded from Elves to a MacBook and that this has really streamlined your operation as far as keeping tabs on who’s been naughty and nice. I want to say for the record that I have tried to stay on the nice side as much as possible this year, despite having wanted to strangle a few people and missing church more than I should have. You won’t hold that against me, will you? Anyway, here is my list for this year:

  1. I would like a new garden hose. I know my wife thinks that the old one just dry rotted but the truth is that I probably ran over it with the lawn mower a few times this year and one that doesn’t have slash holes in it would be great-and it would save on water too!
  2. Speaking of the lawn mower, I wouldn’t mind a new one of those too. There’s nothing like the feel of a new lawn mower that hasn’t run over thousands of sweet gum tree burrs, a few Matchbox cars, a baseball or two and of course, the aforementioned garden hose. Plus I lost the oil plug a couple of years ago-thank you for suggesting I use a pencil eraser and duct tape to fashion a new one since I was too cheap to order a new one. I don’t know why they charge so much money for something that I can make myself.
  3. Some nice grass to cut would be great too. You can keep the dandelions and crabgrass. If not, I’ll settle for a year’s supply of lawn treatments and we’ll call it even.
  4. I would like a barn to put all the stuff in the garage that I need to get rid of but can’t seem to part with. Parking a Buick without hitting anything shouldn’t be more complicated than landing a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier. By the way, the new leaf blower was much appreciated.
  5. I would also like to request that you send the Elves (who have more free time now due to the MacBook) to come and cut down the oak tree in the front yard and the sycamore in the back. I know I should have cut it down when we moved in ten years ago and it was small enough for me to cut down with a pair of Limb Loppers. I was just proud to own trees back then. Now they are too close to the house and I need a chainsaw. If you can’t send the Elves, a chainsaw will do nicely.
  6. Speaking of Elves, I would like to request that you recall the little one you have been sending each Thanksgiving night to keep an eye on my son during the Christmas season. He gets into everything, I never know where he will show up next and he seems to especially like eating the chocolate Christmas candy. Maybe that is how you got to be who you are today because if he doesn’t stay out of the chocolate, he’s going to be as big as you are soon.
  7. Do you also think you could bring me a mint condition 1993 Honda del Sol in metallic black? I still miss mine.
  8. You can scratch new tires for my wife’s SUV off the list-but next time I’m car shopping, remind me that I don’t have to have the largest wheels and tires available and that they charge by the inch for rubber apparently.
  9. Could you throw in a universal remote control that REALLY works everything you have? My parents had such a thing when I was a child-it was called ME. My son just brings me the four remote controls to figure it out myself.
  10. I would also like my perfect hearing and good eyesight back while you’re at it. I’m not going to dwell on that though because I still have my health and all my hair, some of which is still its original color.
  11. I would like to request a few things for my son who is seven and a half years old and can’t seem to make up his mind what he wants to ask you for….such as can you please make his front tooth grow a little faster before the other one decides to come out? I have tried everything including suggesting Crazy Glue to keep the other one in place but I’m afraid it isn’t going to be there much longer and anything you could do to hurry the missing one along would be much appreciated.
  12. Can you please consider slowing down his growth a little bit? His Mother and I are just not ready for him to grow up quite as fast as he is and we would like a little more time to get used to the idea of having a teenager in a little over five years.
  13. While we are on the subject of time, can you bring us a little more of it? There just isn’t enough of it to go around each day to do everything we need to do.
  14. Please remember that we don’t have a real chimney and don’t forget to bring the magic key I told my son about…the one that can unlock every door in the world. We will leave milk and cookies by the tree in the hopes that the Elf on the Shelf doesn’t eat those too.